Yoga Brought Me Back from the (Living) Dead

Sixteen years ago I found a yoga DVD on the shelf at my hometown library, and it saved my life.

I won’t go into the details of how I’d gotten there, but I was at the bottom of the deepest depression of my life. I was alive, but I wasn’t living. I was going through motions, but I was entirely unconscious. I was as close to being a walking dead as I could be.

I’d stopped exercising (one of my primary docking line practices). I’d stopped talking to my friends. I’d even stopped writing, which I now know is my anchor. I was a shell of myself.

Because we didn't have television, I went to the library to rent DVDs as a means of numbing out with entertainment. Somewhere among the rows of movies I found a video on yoga. Curious, I brought it home.

I had no idea what to expect, but I eventually put it in my computer and began to watch it. I was invited to sit on the floor, close my eyes, and begin to focus on my breathing, so I got off my bed and did so. At the end of this guided meditation, I continued following along as the instructor led me through basic stretches she referred to as poses. I went from watching a DVD about yoga to doing yoga.

At the end of the 45-minute session, I felt…just a tiny bit better. I was more awake and alert. More in my body and less in my head. Huh, I thought to myself, that was nice. I didn’t have the energy to exercise in ways I traditionally had before–running, lifting weights, dancing–but this I could do.

So I did. The next day, I came back and did the video again. And the next day. And the next. Again and again, I found myself practicing yoga.

Eventually, of course, I had to return the DVD. Still, I continued to stretch my body on my own, remembering the poses I could. In time, I began to add in some body-weight-based strength moves and calisthenics like pushups, sit-ups, and jumping jacks. Then one day I found myself lacing up my old running shoes and heading out for a jog. And just like that, I was fully and finally back in my body.

On occasion, I’d go back to the library and re-rent the yoga DVD. There was just something different about it from other forms of exercise I’d done (because yoga IS different). I discovered other yoga DVDs at the library and tried those as well. When I went back to college in the fall, I found even more yoga DVDs at my college library. And then that town’s library.

At some point, I found one DVD in particular I liked and bought it for $8.99 at Target. At the time, that was a huge splurge. (I still have that DVD, and I still practice yoga with it several times a year.)

It wasn’t until I moved to Colorado, a full 4 years after I’d begun practicing yoga, that I ever went to my first yoga class in person. A friend took me to her studio and let me use a one-time free trial guest pass, and at the end, I was in tears. It was magical in ways I had not experienced in yoga before.

Still, it would be years before I could pay for yoga, in person or otherwise. Mostly I gained access to in-person offerings because I was teaching other fitness classes. To this day, the vast majority of my yoga practice as a student has been digital and free.

Again and again, yoga has brought me back into my body, into the present moment, allowing me to reenter my life from a different state of consciousness. I know the value of that. It’s life-changing.

And I also know there are barriers to it. Sometimes free is the only means of accessing it. And even for those who can afford to pay for it, being able to practice digitally in the comfort of their own home removes the obstacles of getting to a studio at a time that works for them.

That’s why I’m offering my signature Yin & the Power of the Pen series once a month online for free.

Beginning this Saturday, February 18, I will host a 45-minute yin yoga hybrid class at 8:30 AM MST. Wanna join me? Contact me to get on my newsletter, and I'll send you the link.

With fierce love,

Chazz