The Question that Pulled Me out of Depression

I've been in the muck lately. Deep in the muck.

Simultaneously I am witnessing the falling away of multiple seminal relationships. People and connections that radically altered the course of my life and shaped who I am no longer fit.

It feels like a snake shedding its skin.

And all of this is happening as my body has jumped head first into "The Change" that is perimenopause.

Meaning all the sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, and depression have been amplified by drastic hormonal fluctuations, fatigue, insomnia, and a libido that seems to have disappeared overnight and, with it, my zest for life.

I'd been asking a lot of questions of the Uni-Verse in all this. Questions like:

• Why can't they see things from my perspective?

• How long will this last?

• Will we ever be a part of each others' lives again?

• When will it be different (better)?

to which I'd gotten the same answer for all of them: crickets.

I was tired of feeling so sad, angry, hurt, and disappointed. Exhausted by it, really.

And then I remembered one of my guiding mantras: The questions we ask determine the answers we get.

If I didn't like the answers I was getting (which were none), I had to ask different questions.

I knew I could not change the situations or the people involved in them. I also knew I couldn't just magically choose to feel differently about it all (that's called spiritual bypassing, not optimism).

But then a question came to me that shifted everything: Who do I want to be on the other side of all this?

The answer to that question is Someone Who Loves Fiercely & Deeply.

And my ability to show up as that person has nothing at all to do with the situation or anyone else. Not what they say or do or even who they are. The responsibility (read: ability to respond) is entirely my own.

Since then I've been asking new questions as I continue to navigate this period of transition: How do I want to show up here? What does that look like?

I get answers like "with grace and kindness" and "not sending a reply from the wound," answers like "lovingly" and "saying a prayer for their protection."

I like these answers a lot better.

By choosing to be someone different, I've started to feel different.

It's not always easy, but by reminding myself of my ability to respond rather than allowing myself to react, I have taken back my power.

I wanted to share this with you today, gorgeous reader, because I have a feeling you could use the same reminder.

Maybe it's with a coworker and their inability to stay organized on the team project, with your parent and the dementia that has turned them into someone you no longer recognize, or even the construction project going on downtown that feels never ending.

Wherever it may be in your life right now, I know you can benefit from asking yourself better questions to get better answers:

1. Who do I want to be on the other side of this?

2. How does that require I show up here and now?

3. What does that look like, exactly?

To paraphrase Viola Davis, how you love defines your life. And it really all is about love, isn't it?

With Fierce Love,

Chazz