5 Self-Helpy Phrases that Make Me Wanna Vomit

(Or at least roll my eyes so hard it gives me a headache)

You ever eat so much of something that tasted so good you couldn't stop eating it...and then made yourself sick?

That's how I feel about a lot of the coaching world these days. Full of lots of fluff that sounds good but is, actually, a steaming pile of llama crap.(Seriously, what is with all the llamas on everything these days? I know they look cute, but have you ever had one spit at you? Very much not cute.)

Of course, I get it. We all want to feel better. To work smarter, not harder. Bark less, wag more, as the bumper sticker says.

I myself have been caught blue in the face trying to whistle along to the likes of "Don't Worry, Be Happy." It's a catchy tune.

But then the record comes to an end and you're left to face the deafening sound of no music.

Life is complicated. And being human is HARD. I wouldn't wish it on my best friend's cat (who, just being really honest here, is kind of a prick—the cat, not my best friend).

That doesn't mean there aren't things that can help.

Gratitude journaling can, among other things, increase your life satisfaction. Getting in 10,000 steps can alleviate anxiety and depression. Meditation can make you less likely to flip off the Texan driving 30mph up Highway 36 the second you have the chance to pass them.

Still, none of these tools is a magic pill. (If you've ever driven behind a Texan in the mountains, you get it.)

You will have crap days after you return all blissed out from your 10-day silent meditation retreat. You will have money problems after you undergo hypnosis to rewire your limiting beliefs (hopefully different problems but still problems). You will still struggle with your life even when you become an internationally accredited life coach.

To quote the beloved Tay-Tay, "Hi, it's me, I'm the problem." 🙋🏼‍♀️

Which brings me to where I am right now: Trying to un-drink the Kool-Aid of self-helpery.

I truly believe coaching is one of the most incredible modalities for improving your life. AND there's a lot about it I don't agree with. A lot that doesn't sit right with me. A lot that just doesn't work for me personally. Nor for my clients.

So, without further ado, here are 5 personal positive psychology phrases I want to pull a Kate Hudson vs. Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and call BS on:

1) "Good vibes only."

Seriously, 🤮. Good vibes are, well, good and all, but there's also crappy vibes, creepy vibes, boring vibes, stoner vibes, sad vibes, income tax vibes, cancer vibes, menopause vibes, hipster coffee vibes, awkward silence vibes, WTH is the POTUS saying vibes, and an infinite number of other vibes that all make up this bizarre ride called Life.

And it is all of those colors together that create such a breathtaking canvas. Because there's only so much artsy-fartsy talk you can make about an all-yellow blob.

2) "It's impossible to be grateful and feel upset at the same time."

BZZZZT! Wrong.

As much as it would make our obsessively categorizing brains happy, this just isn't true.

You can be grateful to have loved someone more than you ever imagined possible AND also be sad the relationship didn't last. You can be grateful for a job that puts food on the table AND feel like it's slowly crushing your soul. You can be grateful your friend surprised you with a bucket list skydive over the Arizona dessert AND be scared out of your friggin' gourd.

Human emotion is not a convenience store item. In fact, more often than not feelings are pretty darn inconvenient and about as complicated as assembly instructions for an IKEA bookshelf. (See "good vibes only" above.)

3) "If you believe it, you'll achieve it."

While it certainly helps to believe in yourself and your dreams, there are Forces Outside Your Control that may or may not support them.

Some of the most desiring and deserving women I know will never be mothers. I have been moved to tears by musicians who will never land record deals. One of my friends who was on track to play college basketball suffered a career-ending knee injury his senior year of high school.

This doesn't mean they're not reciting enough affirmations or aren't working hard enough or don't truly want it that bad or don't really believe it yet. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with them or what they're doing at all.

Sometimes, things just don't work out the way we envision them. The best thing you can do is chalk it up to God's wishes, unanswered prayers, Fate, Destiny, The Uni-Verse, or whatever other force outside your control that makes it easier to accept. And then get on with the next thing.

And while we're on the topic, it's also possible to not believe your dream will come true and to constantly doubt yourself and your abilities or to maybe not even think about it at all and have it still fall into your lap like a winning lottery ticket delivered via stork.

As the middle schoolers I used to teach would often shrug their shoulders and say, "Sometimes it just be like that."

4) "How you do one thing is how you do everything."

How I make my bed (daily, with hospital bed corners using a coat hanger for precision) is not at all how I dust my bookshelves (which is at most thrice a year and begrudgingly every time).

I read books a dozen at a time with stacks I'm "planning to get to next" in every room of my house, but I can't stand to have more than one open shampoo bottle in the shower at once and never stockpile toiletries (honestly, even after 2020 I'm not that great about keeping that much toilet paper on hand).

We all know people who are all-stars at work but have failing marriages at home. Women who bring home the bacon but have no idea how to cook it. Men who can remember every sports statistic from 30 years before they were born till the present day but can't remember three things their wife asked them to pick up on their way home from work.

The truth is we do the things we like and are good at well. The rest? Let's just call our efforts "varying degrees of success."

5) "If it's not a hell yes, it's a no."

God I wish it were that simple.

While I have had my share of HELL YES moments—moving to Colorado despite never having visited the state, quitting my last job as a bartender to become an entrepreneur, the best kiss of my life—life is also full of a lot of "just okay," feet-dragging, "sure why not," and meh decisions as well.

I mean, this morning when I put on yoga pants and a hoodie if I had waited to feel as HELL YES about the Purdue shirt I opted for as I did about actually going there, I'd still be naked...and cold...and would have yet to accomplish anything at all today.

It's INCREDIBLE when you get that whole-body, I'm-jumping-right-in-the-deep-end feeling to do something. And by all means, cherish those moments. Scrapbook them. Post about them on the 'Gram.

But you're also going to have times when you'll feel indifferent about your choices. Or when you'll have to choose between the lesser of sixteen evils. Or when your butt gets sore from sitting on the fence so long you decide to flip a coin and get off on whatever side it lands on.

Because life is complicated. And being human is HARD. 

Don't let that stop you from learning tools to help with that. But also, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

With Fierce Love,

Chazz

P.S.

If this post made you think, Thank God for a pep talk that isn't so damn saccharine sweet it makes me want to throw up, Your Middle Finger Makeover is coming. Stay tuned! 💅